BY: ALYSON ROGERS

Statistically, the likelihood of me being up to ring in the New Year on January 1st is slim. I can count on one hand the amount of nights I’ve been awake at midnight this year. I’d say for 360 out of 365 days in 2018, I was in bed and asleep before 12 a.m. hit.

Fatigue from a brain injury and the medication that can go with it aren’t exactly what I’m used to mixing on December 31st, which is vanilla vodka and coca cola. Life changes, concussions happen and I’m no longer the life of the party that plays flip cup.

Last year, I spent my first New Year’s Eve at home and alone, a first for me. I’d always gone to parties, bars or a friend’s house to ring in the New Year – but last year was different – I’d had so many concussions with new symptoms that just the thought of staying up until midnight, let alone going out and being social, was exhausting. So I stayed home.

At first, I had a lot of negative thoughts towards myself. What 25-year-old stays home on New Years Eve? I logged onto Facebook and Instagram and saw everyone in their nice outfits at parties, and I felt jealous and embarrassed. Jealous, that I couldn’t participate in this holiday and embarrassed that I had no New Years Eve plans. I was prepared for a night of feeling down and mentally pictured answering the dreadful ‘What did you do for New Years?’ questions the next day, but that’s not what happened.

Instead of lining up at the LCBO and going through my closet to find an outfit, I started cleaning my apartment. I had gotten some home décor items for Christmas and wanted to set them up. After that, I ordered a pizza and watched a movie. Then, I lit some candles and put on my diffuser. By just being at home, I was able to think about 2017 and reflect on everything that had happened to me. I looked around at my freshly cleaned and decorated apartment and I felt content; I started to reflect on 2017 and all it had brought me and taken away as the result of concussions.

Around January 1st, the phrase ‘new year, new me’ is very popular. It was a new year but I was still going to be the same me, with the same mystery brain injury symptoms.

By reflecting on 2017, I was hopeful that 2018 would be different, I would find out what was happening to my body and return to my former life.  It led me to write a post for The Mighty about the challenges I had experienced and despite such drastic changes, I still loved my brain. I compiled a list of all of the things I loved about my brain injury.  This was a hopeful turn in what would have been a very dark night.

New Years is drawing close again and it’s amazing what has changed this year. My brain continues to heal and I began medication to control my new and unwelcome physical symptoms. I also shifted my perspective in how I see my brain injury, I never returned to my former life but created a new one that I find joy in. This allowed me to go to New York and Myrtle Beach by myself. I ziplined, rode a bike and held a conversation without my eyes glazing over and so many other things that 2017 couldn’t give me.

My life has changed a lot in the past year but one thing won’t. I’ll be spending New Year’s Eve at home and by myself, but this time I’m happy about it.

Alyson is 26-years-old and acquired her first brain injury ten years ago. She graduated from Ryerson University and is a youth worker at a homeless shelter. In her spare time, Alyson enjoys writing, rollerblading and reading. Follow her on Twitter @arnr33 or on The Mighty.